Thursday, March 1, 2012

Get to Know the Saints - Kellan Quinn!


In part one of our new web series, Get to Know the Saints, we explore the life, the legacy, and the lechery of Kellan Quinn, Saints guitarist and occasional businessman. You may have seen him up on stage with us and wondered, "What makes him tick? What are his dreams? Is that bit of tomato sauce on his collar there by accident or is he cultivating a sloppy musician look?" Read on for these answers and more!

Kellan Dontavius Quinn was born in the early spring of 1982. The 70s were but a distant memory, and Thriller would not be released for several months. Chariots of Fire would win Best Picture as Kellan's parents were spending their first few days with their new bundle of joy. It was a time of great innocence in his hometown of Green Bay, Wisconsin, the nations leading producer of obesity. Little did they know that troubles well beyond their control were already brewing, and would conspire to force little Kellan out of childhood all too early, and shape him into the man he would become.

In September of 1982, as Baby Kellan was still just discovering his toes and penis, the NFL Player's Association came to an agreement to strike until a new collective bargaining agreement could be reached. The people of Green Bay cried out in horror as they realized the most important thing in their sleepy town would be delayed... UNTIL NOVEMBER! As reasonable pillars of the community like Kellan's parents tried to maintain order, the unwashed masses grew restless. Rallies in the town square were common, and fans began to stage eat-ins at the local Tim Hortons. Talk of secession was rampant, and many people speculated that Green Bay would be re-annexed into Canada, and become Baie Vert, Ottawa, once again.

Kellan's father, Jor-El, knew that the situation in Green Bay was becoming untenable, and that he had only one option. With a heavy heart, and with his wife at his side, he went out back to the cold-war era escape rocket that all Green Bayans have in their back yard per City Ordinance 109.45.6 (Commie Attack Readiness), and prepared to say goodbye to his infant son. As he loaded him into the rocket's compartment, along with a tiny guitar and a pair of pink cowboy boots, he told him, "Son, one day you will have a better life. A life in a warm place, with a future, and with the chance to become immortal." He then fired him off to Athens, GA, to attend UGA.

At UGA, Kellan came in to his own. While his peers were busy drinking and having sex with each other, Kellan maintained a disciplined chastity. College was not easy for him, and he had to maintain several part time jobs, including one as a companion for an eccentric local widow, and one at Piggly Wiggly. Eventually though, he graduated, and moved on to the big city of Atlanta, and a thrilling career in something about insurance.

So now you can see that while joining the band was the high point of Kellan's life, the good times are only just beginning. After all he's overcome, it's amazing that he has developed into the man he is today, and it's only a matter of time before he achieves his dreams..

No comments:

Post a Comment